Addiction
by Leesa Perrie
Summary: Set after The Hive, this is an AU about Rodney's childhood. Involves talk about drugs.


**Addiction**

**By Leesa Perrie**

_(This is AU partly because the childhood background in this story for Rodney doesn't really mesh up with canon, but also because the characters are a more open with each other about things than I believe is suggested in canon. You have been warned!)_

After Elizabeth and Caldwell left the infirmary, Sheppard turned to Beckett.

"So, are Teyla and Ronon fit to go…"

"Actually, I'd like them to stay overnight, to keep an eye on them."

"But we are over the worst, are we not?" Teyla asked.

"Aye, lass, I believe so, but I'd rather make sure," Carson turned his gaze to Rodney, "and you as well."

"What? No, no, no, you released me…" Rodney started to protest.

"Aye, against my better judgement, and only because of the need to locate them," he pointed to McKay's team-mates.

Rodney scowled, and backed towards the door.

"I'm perfectly fine."

"No, you're not." Beckett shook his head. "Just humour me, for once. It was a close call…"

"What do you mean, a close call?" Sheppard asked, clearly confused. "I told Ford to reduce McKay's dosage."

"He took a large dose…"

"He what?" Sheppard turned to glare at McKay, who backed further away at the look in Sheppard's eyes, and then stood up straight, chin tilted in defiance.

"It was the only way to take out the guards," he snapped. "I knew something must have gone wrong, and the only way to get the control crystals for the DHD was to get past the guards, and the only way to do that was…"

"To take more enzyme." Sheppard finished. "Damn it, Rodney, you shouldn't have."

"Shouldn't have? I had to get help. It was the only way I could see to do that."

"How much did he take?" John turned back to Carson.

"A lot, as much as Ford."

"I had to be sure it was enough for me to take them out," Rodney defended his actions, and then huffed a sour laugh. "Not that you needed my help in the end."

"Actually, the Daedalus being there helped cause enough confusion for me to start attacking the other hive. I'm sure a dart headed in the wrong direction would have been noticed, maybe even stopped…but…you shouldn't have needed to do that." Sheppard said, before continuing, "I saw Ford going through withdrawal. It was… bad."

"Kanayo also suffered badly with the withdrawal," Teyla said.

"It killed him," Ronon added.

"How bad was it, Doc?" Sheppard asked.

"Very. Which is why I want you back in the infirmary," Carson looked to Rodney again.

"And why I'd rather not."

"Rodney…"

"Do as the Doc says," John ordered.

Fear flashed across Rodney's face briefly, before he turned away, hands bunching at his sides.

"No," he stated flatly, heading out the door. Sheppard moved quickly, getting in front of him and making him stop.

"That bad?" he asked, a little more gently, searching Rodney's face.

"Yes. You know, agony, raving lunacy, restraints. I seemed to recall accusing Carson of trying to kill me, more than once. So yes, that bad. I'd rather not stay in the infirmary right now. I might be avoiding the place in the near future, in fact."

"Doc?"

Carson sighed heavily, but wasn't about to back down.

"Perhaps we could go to our balcony, if you would allow it, Dr Beckett," Teyla suggested, referring to a balcony and the room leading to it that had been unofficially claimed by the team, in which four lounge chairs and a couple of couches had somehow ended up.

"If it'd make you feel better, you could join us, Doc. Keep an eye on everyone, in one place, somewhere quieter than here."

"Och, alright," Carson agreed reluctantly. "And I will certainly be joining you."

"Look, you don't need…" Rodney started.

"The balcony or the infirmary, Rodney. Your choice," John said.

Rodney sighed, and then nodded.

Ronon and Teyla went to change back into their clothes, whilst Beckett put together a med kit, just in case.

"We'll meet you down there," Sheppard called to Carson, pulling Rodney after him.

* * *

Rodney had been quiet on the way to the balcony room, and Sheppard had seemed content to leave him to his thoughts.

He'd known the Colonel would be angry, but he also knew the man would see that Rodney had seen no other option, and had needed to do something to help. He wasn't sure of Teyla and Ronon, but suspected they would understand. They certainly hadn't seemed too bothered, well, no, they had looked unhappy to hear about his withdrawal, but…

He wasn't sure if Sheppard would trust him, though. He wasn't sure if he could be trusted. Sure, the physical need for the enzyme was fading, and fading quite quickly now, but the need was more than physical. Well, it could be. It had been with the…

No, don't go there. That was different. A different drug and a different time. A different need.

The thing was, he wasn't sure what he would do if faced with a chance to take the enzyme again. Part of him, most of him he hoped, wanted nothing to do with it. Hated the thought of it, and what it did to him. How it confused him, made his mind, his most important asset, worthless. But another part of him was…thrilled…excited by the physical effects. The strength he had felt, the certainty of being able to take on any opponent and win. Part of him wanted that, to be able to fight like that, to protect his friends, himself. But the cost was too high. Far too high. And he didn't really want that, did he? He didn't think he did, but he wasn't sure, and that uncertainty scared him.

The last few months, even after Doranda, he had been learning to, in essence, open up to his team. Maybe even because of Doranda. He had started to let them in more than he had ever let anyone in before. Started to share bits with them. And they had returned that. He had learned more about Teyla's past in the last few months than the year preceding that. Even Sheppard had opened up about a few things. Ronon was still reticent, but that was okay, though even he had shared one or two things with them.

It was nice, in a way. Scary, too.

And he knew, no matter how scary this was, no matter what they might think of him, he needed to tell them about these fears. So that they could watch him, make sure he didn't give in and take the enzyme if an opportunity arose.

He needed to tell them about before, so that they understood his fears.

The truth this time. Not the oh-so-easy lie about toking pot in college.

* * *

The weather was a little on the cold side, so they gathered onto the couches and lounge chairs in the room facing the balcony. They could see outside, but remain in the warmth.

Carson insisted on giving Rodney a quick check over.

"You need to rest. Your body's been through a terrible shock, and you're not over it yet. I shouldn't have let you back on duty so soon."

"Yes, I get that," Rodney said irritably.

"I certainly shouldn't have let you go on the Daedalus. Wouldn't have if I thought I stood the slightest chance of stopping you, stubborn idiot that you are," Carson sighed. "Still, after personally briefing Major Lorne, I was sure he could keep an eye on you."

"I wondered why he sticking to me like glue," Rodney shook his head. "Figured it was something like that. What did you do, put the fear of Scottish physicians into him? Threatened to play him your bagpipes CD, or feed him haggis?"

"Aye, something like that." Carson grinned. Rodney just rolled his eyes.

Silence descended for a few minutes, and Carson looked around the room. It was the first time he'd actually been here.

There were some books and magazines abandoned around the room, as well as a pack of cards, a couple of board games and a TV with video and DVD player. It might seem strange, allowing a room to be taken over by four people, but it had happened gradually. The space was used by other people from time to time, but there was an unspoken agreement between everyone on Atlantis that if Sheppard's team wanted it to themselves, they got it. A sort of payment for saving their lives time and time again.

Carson knew he was privileged to be allowed to join them, this was where they hung out as a team, where they could relax when not on missions, where they could, in a sense, bond. Of course, this time, it was a case of allowing him to join them, or having three members confined to the infirmary, with the fourth no doubt hanging around as well.

He was worried about Rodney, more than he wanted to let on. He had read the man's medical file, had read everyone's who had been here for any time, and knew there were things in his past that would make this enzyme addiction more difficult for him. Certainly on the psychological side. Bringing back bad memories at the very least. He would, of course, suggest Rodney spoke to Kate about these things, but somehow he doubted he would. There were some things he wouldn't share with her. But he might share with his team, with a bit of careful prodding.

Of course, he couldn't break doctor/patient confidentiality, so he would need to convince McKay to tell his friends himself.

He was trying to work out a way to get Rodney alone for a few minutes, and what he would say to try and convince him, when Rodney astounded him by making all of that unnecessary.

"Um," Rodney started, looking at the floor, "there's something you guys need to know about. I assume you know, Carson, as it would be in my medical records."

"Aye, I think I know what you're referring to."

Rodney fidgeted nervously.

"I…" he looked at his team-mates briefly, before going back to studying the floor. "It's about another addiction."

"Was this when you 'toked pot at college'?" Teyla asked, stumbling over the wording slightly. "I do not know what that means, but the Colonel did not seem to be concerned about it, so I did not think it was that bad."

"Pot is another name for a drug on Earth called marijuana that people smoke, or toke as it is also known as. It can be addictive over time if used a lot, but usually it isn't. Some people feel no effect, others feel relaxed, others feel high. There are other side effects as well, but that isn't what Rodney's referring to," Carson gave a basic description.

"It isn't?" Sheppard asked.

"No. I never toked pot," Rodney said. "It was one of my better misdirections."

"So…" Sheppard prompted, with a bad feeling about this.

"When I was ten, my father started using cocaine. Not long after, my mother joined him. I suspect he addicted her to it, actually. Jeannie was about two, and I ended up having to take care of her more and more as time went on. I don't know why, but when I was twelve, he got me addicted to it as well. Pretty much kept me tied up until I was. It was over a year before anyone found out and put a stop to it. My parents ended up in prison, and Jeannie and I ended up in foster care. Well, Jeannie did. I ended up in rehab, and then eventually, after a set back, I ended up in foster care. Not the same foster parents as Jeannie, though fortunately both sets of foster parents lived fairly close by, so we did get to see each other most weeks, but…well, we never really had a proper brother/sister relationship, and I guess that's part of how we ended up estranged," Rodney had stated all of this flatly, whilst studying a spot on the wall, not looking at anyone.

"That's…how could a parent do that?" John was shocked.

"This cocaine, how bad is it?" Ronon asked.

"Bad," Rodney muttered, "really bad. When you're taking it, you feel this rush. A bit like the enzyme, only it doesn't make you stronger, it just makes you feel like you can do anything. It's an adrenaline rush, you're full of energy. I mean, there are other things too, and after a while you can't get the same feeling from it, but you still want it. Want to feel like that."

"And withdrawal?" Teyla asked, concerned.

"Is…really bad. You want it so much, you'll do anything to get more. Beg, plead, lie, cheat, whatever. The first time, after three days I managed to give my 'carers' the slip. I was picked up a few days later, but not before I'd stolen some money and found a supplier," Rodney's eyes had drifted to the floor again. "I was pretty messed up. And even when the physical need was done with, the mental need was still there. The compulsion, the need for the high, I don't know. You still want it, even though you don't need it. I was in rehab for over a year, and even then I had to report to someone daily for a long while. Eventually, it got easier. I'm not sure quite when or how, but sometime before going to college, I realised that not only did I not want it anymore, I actually wanted to avoid it at all costs.

"I'm just afraid that it will be the same with the enzyme. I mean, most of me doesn't want to, you know, take any more of it. But there's this part of me that liked the feeling of…power, I guess. The feeling of being able to take out the tough guys for once. And that scares me.

"I don't know if you can trust me anymore. I don't know if _I _can trust me any more."

As he had told his story, Carson had noticed how the other members of the team had moved closer. Sheppard was now sitting next to Rodney on the couch, with Teyla sitting the other side of Rodney. Carson had moved back slightly, to a chair close by, leaving room for them. Ronon had stood up, and was now behind the couch, a hand on Rodney's shoulder. He smiled to himself. With friends like these, he didn't need to worry too much. Rodney would be okay, in time.

"We are here for you, Rodney," Teyla said quietly. "We can watch your back, help you overcome this."

"We may not have taken as big a dose as you, McKay, but we understand," Ronon added to that.

"You were strong enough to get past one addiction, you're strong enough to get past this, and if you need us to watch your back for a while, we can do that," Sheppard nudged his shoulder, causing Rodney to look at him, "but we, I, trust you, McKay."

"Maybe you shouldn't."

"There are many things we should not believe or do," Teyla said, "and many things we have despite that. It is what has saved our lives more than once."

"This will pass," Ronon said, "and we will be stronger for it. All of us."

"Yeah. And now we know what lengths you'll go to, to save our butts," Sheppard smiled. "Though I hope you never have to do something as drastic as that ever again. It's my fault. I underestimated Ford."

"We all did, Colonel," Rodney said. "Do you really think he could still be alive?"

"Yeah, it's possible. I don't intend to underestimate him again, and surviving against the odds, well, he's done it once before, he could do it again, somehow."

"We will not give up on him," Teyla stated firmly. "Nor will we give up on you. If you need to talk, we will listen."

"I know. I'm beginning to understand that. I…maybe later. Right now, this…" he looked at his team-mates around him, "this is enough."

"Good," John said, getting up. "So, a movie?"

"That sounds like a good idea," Teyla smiled.

"Popcorn?" Ronon asked eagerly.

"Of course, you can't have a movie without popcorn!" Rodney exclaimed.

Sheppard opened a closet and pulled out some bags of popcorn that had obviously been stashed there beforehand, and two large bowls to put it in.

"So, who gets to choose the movie?" Rodney asked.

"I think Carson should, as out guest," Sheppard smiled.

"Oh, great, not Braveheart again!" Rodney groaned.

"Don't be daft, lad," Carson said. "I don't want to watch an Americanized version of Scottish history, with all its flaws. And don't start me on Mel Gibson's accent!"

Beckett checked over the selection, whilst the team busied themselves sorting out the popcorn and drinks, which also appeared from the closet, and arranging the seating.

"This one," Beckett said, holding up a DVD with a grin.

"Good choice, Doc," Sheppard said, putting the DVD into the player.

Everyone settled down to watch the film, smiling to themselves at Rodney's dismissive comments about how totally inefficient humans would be as batteries for any computers, intelligent or otherwise, though he admitted that the special effects made up for the dreadful plot, just.

No one said anything when he fell asleep part way through, they just turned the sound up to drown out the worst of his snoring.

The End


End file.
